Sunday, October 21, 2012

Strong Tower...

Six years ago today, I lost my first little blessing in an early miscarriage.  I can remember just like it was yesterday, walking into our little home after spending the night in the emergency room and falling into my husband's arm and sobbing with all that was in me.  My heart was broken, actually shattered.  All I had dreamed about since I was a little girl had come crashing down around me and all I could do was say over and over to myself "I can't get mad at God".  Little did I know what a difference this day would make in my relationship with God.

Trust me I wanted to be mad at Him, really I did.  I wanted a reason for why my precious little one would only know heaven and why I was not only no longer pregnant, but also uncertain whether I would ever be able to carry a child to term.

I had to cling to God as my only Hope.  I had to trust Him to hold me and to guard my heart because all around my faith was struggling.  God steadied my heart and kept me as only He could.

As God began to heal my heart, I began to entrust Him with my hopes and dreams again.  I learned to trust Him in the uncertainty of infertility.  After 5 rounds of Clomid, I had to trust God with the blessing of our son Judah, as my body almost daily showed signs of another miscarriage.

In the end, God brought me to the place of total surrender.  I wanted my life to resound "God, You are my everything and though it may be hard to give up other things I know You will be with me all the way".

While healing is still coming, and wounds that I thought would always gape have been held together by Him; I can boldly claim God's promise that "My name is engraved in His hand" (Isaiah 49:16).

Today, I remember my first little blessing and celebrate that short, tiny little life that gave me the first joy of being a mom and I celebrate what God has done in my life over the last 6 years.

Looking back, all I can say is
"Thanks be to God, 
my Strong Tower and my Refuge!"